Who Wants To Be A Martyr?

Help Me I'm a Victim of Life! Oh Never Mind I'd Like to Cry Some More.

(Not a Jedi.)

Have you ever met a person that just seems to beg for a box of tissues with every conversation they hold? They prose on about all of the things that are wrong in their life--past, present, and through some psychic ability they picked up, the future. To play the victim is seemingly the only thing that gives these people satisfaction in life. They want sympathy, they seek advice, they want to be nurtured and coddled. They seemingly feel better and eager to make the changes to improve their situation based on the eloquent time-consuming philosophy you fed them. The end result? NOTHING, ZILCH, NADA, FARTS. They will continue to be victims of their own wonderland drama through some sick satisfaction of making others feel bad for them. Great Thor's hammer of gay porn where do all of these issues come from?! 

I understand all people have hardships, some worse than others, but to sit on them and present them to everyone around you on a daily basis? It's unproductive, and quite frankly it's annoying. As some pot head enthusiast friends of mine would say, "You need to get rid of that negative energy, man" (Not implying that all people who are recreational tokers talk like The Dude from The Big Lebowsky). There are no excuses for focusing on the awfulness of ones' own life to the point of NOT LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. I don't care how troubling the experience is, was, or will be. Is the glass half empty or half full? Maybe there doesn't appear to be a glass at all--well, if of course the focus is a recording inside your head on repeat entitled: My Shitty Awful Terrible No Good Life, Fuck Your Problems: Vol 1. 

Reconciling With Unpleasant People

"Wise Men Say Forgiveness Is Divine, But Never Pay Full Price For Late Pizza"

(If you remember this, your childhood wasn't awesome and you're at least in your 20s)

I'm looking out to a massive crowd of thousands of people. One out of every 3 of them will never be able to forgive some dickhead in their life. Or will they?...this is the internet--the stats I just threw out there are as fake as middle school puppy love (Statistics are silly anyway). Anyway, without throwing some stupid numbers at everyone, from my experience many turds cannot be reconciled with. It isn't just because they are horrible people, but....well reconciliation is difficult for the person stepping forward. Think of it as being the only non-white person stepping into a KKK meeting--it's awkward, you probably hate each other, and finding any reasonable thing to say is damn near impossible.  

With that being said, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself. "Am I the bag of shit? Are they the bag of shit? Are we both piles of shit in the bag together?" Basically, who's the stubborn person in the situation? After one of these glorious questions have been answered it's time to ask yet another question--"Is it forgivable?" How does somebody even receive forgiveness without groveling like an ant begging for its' life as a demented child burns him alive with a magnifying glass? Oh you didn't know that ants grovel? They do.

Methamphetamine; Take Me For A Ride

This Love is a Drug

(Doctor, I might need another prescription)

When the unattainable becomes available for only a moment, and the sighs, screams, and whispers become ever prevalent would you know what to do? When to stop? Where to hide? Like a meth addiction, you cannot always support the habit, but when it comes to fruition it is pure ecstasy. Bliss. What happens when the person you're giddy about cannot even look at you the same way anymore? The dealer is out of product, you won't get it again for a while--when or if it ever returns how will you buy it? With caution? Or lay all your chips on the table like a gambler without a care in the world?

In the Immortal Words of the Virgin Mary: Come Again?

(I'm on top of this mountain, and you are waaaaay down there, see? Oh wait, no I can't see you I'm too busy devaluing who you are)

What are you even talking about Brian? It's simple my friends, that arduous period of time where you cannot let go of your feelings for another person. You need your fix, you have that itch, you've had a taste and want more. How can you get it again? If they are set in their decision to let you go--a diatribe against this person does not help,  nuclear missles won't help, shaking salt over your shoulder and carving pentagrams into your earlobes in the name of satan won't help either. This is a withdrawal, and just like a withdrawal it's a helpless situation that only time may remedy. Time is an asshole.

Separation Through Devouring Each Other; I Love Home-Cooked Meals

The Mantis and You

(If you know what this comes from, kudos)

Sexual Cannibalism. This phenomena is a common occurance during the period of reproduction for the Mantis. Females will begin eating the heads off their male partners after the mating ritual is complete. Their hunger doesn't stop at reproduction, but the literal consumption of the Mantis who fulfilled their need--a process that we seem to practice a lot these days.

"They just had sex and she...ate him?"

So what I mean by "we seem to practice this," doesn't mean I'm saying we all turn Hannibal Lecter after we sleep with someone--no. This is a look into the failures of relationships because of the unsatiable appetites we seem to have. We want our partner to change minor irrelevant behavior, we want them to be able to afford a house made of marble, we want them to become a different person, we want to snort coke off hookers, and to quote The Doors: "We want the world and we want it NOW."

Romance and Love, Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow

Roses are red, Roses are flowers

Oh NO! The dreaded "L word." Lesbian? No my friends, LOVE. Why would someone like me write about love? Some gay shit like this? (gay as in happy to all those would-be pointers of fingers.) Well it's a human issue, and as all human issues go I feel the need to find clarity with it through a reasonable interpretation. So I'm going to talk about this "Love."

"Yeah dude, love. I said it and I'm here to represent it."

(The heart sings about a magic man)

So you met some girl, got a bit too excited because you felt it was "love," and you know what's funny? You didn't fall in love. No. Something that beautiful must come later. You fell into something called "Romance." This period of time is very much like the beginnings of 9 circles of hell, but getting through them all won't necessarily transport you to the higher existence you desire as Dante implied in "The Divine Comedy." Sound morbid or demented? Don't like the analogy? Well you might just see how much they actually relate. Still offended? Well I'm writing this anyway because fuck you (Just keedinggg).

You're a Jerk, Yet I Strangely Want to be Like You? (WARNING: Mature Audiences Only)

"Hey Mark! How's it going bro? How is everything?"

"Good man! It's all good! Me and Jess just had our 4 year anniversary last week." 

"That's insane! You might as well marry her already. Little baby Marjess."

"Well we'll talk about that later. Where's the keg at?"

"It should be....over there?...the fuck? Did HE show up???"

"No way...have you seen Jess? It's been a few hours already..."

And just like that you see an old grey Chevy Silverado speeding off with the keg in the bed and Jess all over the guy in the front seat. Oh no that's not even the best part about it. This fucking guy is laughing and smiling the entire time while making fellatio gestures at Mark. He's a nihilistic machine: the inebriated, fighting, fucking, shit-talking sailor that everyone hates. But god damn would you love to be him.

Livin' the Life

So what does it take to be one of these creatures? It's simple: don't care about ANYTHING. Unleash every primal instinct, take zero accountability for any of your actions, and NEVER let another motherfucker tell you what to do. 

("Motherfucker" is shorthand for "person")

Basically unlearn everything you have ever been taught. Urinate in the toilet? Fuck that here's someones' coveted garden gnome. Oh is fire bad? Let's see what these gas tanks and spray paint cans have to say about that! But let's be honest here, this is probably the most extreme version of this type of person. These people may or may not be all that bad, but they will certainly exhibit at least one of these extreme behaviors.

So There's This Thing Called Perception

     All of the shit is hitting all of the fan--it's just not your week, month, year or day. Whatever it is, the present moment isn't a good one so what do you do?

Cry? Feel sorry for yourself? Blame it on past mistakes? Abandon all issues by seclusion?

No.

Develop an Iron Will that marries Feelings and Logic in holy fucking matromony

Logic? Feelings? Oh how these two words contradict each other all the time. The irony is that we fail at most endeavers when we use either one in excess. 

Keyword: Juxtapose

That's right these little assholes that do damage to our well being if we use either one too much must work in Juxtaposition. Sound easy? Sure. But if you fall into the category of a sole thinker or a feeler it has the potential to be be a mind boggling and arduous process. Be ready to take a look at all the things you hate about yourself--this probably won't be pretty.