Who Wants To Be A Martyr?

Help Me I'm a Victim of Life! Oh Never Mind I'd Like to Cry Some More.

(Not a Jedi.)

Have you ever met a person that just seems to beg for a box of tissues with every conversation they hold? They prose on about all of the things that are wrong in their life--past, present, and through some psychic ability they picked up, the future. To play the victim is seemingly the only thing that gives these people satisfaction in life. They want sympathy, they seek advice, they want to be nurtured and coddled. They seemingly feel better and eager to make the changes to improve their situation based on the eloquent time-consuming philosophy you fed them. The end result? NOTHING, ZILCH, NADA, FARTS. They will continue to be victims of their own wonderland drama through some sick satisfaction of making others feel bad for them. Great Thor's hammer of gay porn where do all of these issues come from?! 

I understand all people have hardships, some worse than others, but to sit on them and present them to everyone around you on a daily basis? It's unproductive, and quite frankly it's annoying. As some pot head enthusiast friends of mine would say, "You need to get rid of that negative energy, man" (Not implying that all people who are recreational tokers talk like The Dude from The Big Lebowsky). There are no excuses for focusing on the awfulness of ones' own life to the point of NOT LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. I don't care how troubling the experience is, was, or will be. Is the glass half empty or half full? Maybe there doesn't appear to be a glass at all--well, if of course the focus is a recording inside your head on repeat entitled: My Shitty Awful Terrible No Good Life, Fuck Your Problems: Vol 1. 

Short Story Bakery: Savages

A Curious Dance

Some fucking mall in Southern California, mid-day

     A man holding two shopping bags, wearing a pair of loosely fitted brown khakis, and a black T-shirt stopped near the entrance of a sunglasses store. Lilly, the store associate continuously glanced at this man with curiosity as he stood there for 84 seconds. On the 85th second he began wiggling his hips around, ending this strange dance routine by kicking out his right leg and shaking it. After his display of odd behavior, he exited the small stage he created into the crowds of fashionable shoppers. 

Here Comes A Regular; Good Times At The Bottom Of Your Glass

DISCLAIMER: I am actually heavily intoxicated while writing this. It's going to likely take a dozen proof reads or so, but I hope it's worth it.

(8:35 PM: Fuck.)

I'll have another--and don't forget my orange, bitch

Another Bottle Down

(10:07 PM:  Well that was abrupt)

"Another bottle down; you should really try it sometime cause' it feels so good."
-Asking Alexandria "Another Bottle Down"

Oh Alcohol you can be so classy, but at the same time you can be a savage caveman. You make us do silly things, regretful things ("Oh shit I slept with THAT!?"), violent things (getting straight gangster on unsuspecting people who looked at your girlfriend or boyfriend), and at times you can depress the shit out of us. Our bodies are destroyed on a daily basis by the warm fuzzy feeling we get as we drink you in excess, but we don't care we love you anyway. We're all masochists here and you are the life (or death) of the party! Prohibition in the United States (1919) was an attempt to stop the consumption and production of you and your brothers and sisters, but was of course turned over in 1933. Why did that even take place? Because you can be a deadly mother fucker that's why.

Romance and Love, Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow

Roses are red, Roses are flowers

Oh NO! The dreaded "L word." Lesbian? No my friends, LOVE. Why would someone like me write about love? Some gay shit like this? (gay as in happy to all those would-be pointers of fingers.) Well it's a human issue, and as all human issues go I feel the need to find clarity with it through a reasonable interpretation. So I'm going to talk about this "Love."

"Yeah dude, love. I said it and I'm here to represent it."

(The heart sings about a magic man)

So you met some girl, got a bit too excited because you felt it was "love," and you know what's funny? You didn't fall in love. No. Something that beautiful must come later. You fell into something called "Romance." This period of time is very much like the beginnings of 9 circles of hell, but getting through them all won't necessarily transport you to the higher existence you desire as Dante implied in "The Divine Comedy." Sound morbid or demented? Don't like the analogy? Well you might just see how much they actually relate. Still offended? Well I'm writing this anyway because fuck you (Just keedinggg).

You're a Jerk, Yet I Strangely Want to be Like You? (WARNING: Mature Audiences Only)

"Hey Mark! How's it going bro? How is everything?"

"Good man! It's all good! Me and Jess just had our 4 year anniversary last week." 

"That's insane! You might as well marry her already. Little baby Marjess."

"Well we'll talk about that later. Where's the keg at?"

"It should be....over there?...the fuck? Did HE show up???"

"No way...have you seen Jess? It's been a few hours already..."

And just like that you see an old grey Chevy Silverado speeding off with the keg in the bed and Jess all over the guy in the front seat. Oh no that's not even the best part about it. This fucking guy is laughing and smiling the entire time while making fellatio gestures at Mark. He's a nihilistic machine: the inebriated, fighting, fucking, shit-talking sailor that everyone hates. But god damn would you love to be him.

Livin' the Life

So what does it take to be one of these creatures? It's simple: don't care about ANYTHING. Unleash every primal instinct, take zero accountability for any of your actions, and NEVER let another motherfucker tell you what to do. 

("Motherfucker" is shorthand for "person")

Basically unlearn everything you have ever been taught. Urinate in the toilet? Fuck that here's someones' coveted garden gnome. Oh is fire bad? Let's see what these gas tanks and spray paint cans have to say about that! But let's be honest here, this is probably the most extreme version of this type of person. These people may or may not be all that bad, but they will certainly exhibit at least one of these extreme behaviors.