You're a Jerk, Yet I Strangely Want to be Like You? (WARNING: Mature Audiences Only)

"Hey Mark! How's it going bro? How is everything?"

"Good man! It's all good! Me and Jess just had our 4 year anniversary last week." 

"That's insane! You might as well marry her already. Little baby Marjess."

"Well we'll talk about that later. Where's the keg at?"

"It should be....over there?...the fuck? Did HE show up???"

"No way...have you seen Jess? It's been a few hours already..."

And just like that you see an old grey Chevy Silverado speeding off with the keg in the bed and Jess all over the guy in the front seat. Oh no that's not even the best part about it. This fucking guy is laughing and smiling the entire time while making fellatio gestures at Mark. He's a nihilistic machine: the inebriated, fighting, fucking, shit-talking sailor that everyone hates. But god damn would you love to be him.

Livin' the Life

So what does it take to be one of these creatures? It's simple: don't care about ANYTHING. Unleash every primal instinct, take zero accountability for any of your actions, and NEVER let another motherfucker tell you what to do. 

("Motherfucker" is shorthand for "person")

Basically unlearn everything you have ever been taught. Urinate in the toilet? Fuck that here's someones' coveted garden gnome. Oh is fire bad? Let's see what these gas tanks and spray paint cans have to say about that! But let's be honest here, this is probably the most extreme version of this type of person. These people may or may not be all that bad, but they will certainly exhibit at least one of these extreme behaviors.

There are actually pros to being an Asshole? Now you have my attention.

"I can be a pretty decent person until you piss me off"

Unless you are family, friends, or someone that one of these people can actually resonate with to accept you. You are on one list, and one list only: The Shit List

Sure they might also put those they really care about through hell, but it's just in their nature. Not only that, but there could be a reason (e.g. a person perceived as a "pussy" will get tortured until he "mans up"). Everyone else is automatically on The Shit List, and if you're a stranger who messes with a loved one or messes with a person of this outlook--prepare to fight or flight.

(Hesher smoking in a nonsmoking residence and not giving a single fuck)

The perfect example of an asshole with a heart of gold is found in the film Hesher. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Hesher--a nihilistic squatter driving an old beat up van that emits all of the noise of old school metal (courtesy of Metallica).

Basically this guy puts a family through hell, but with good intentions. He gifts them with illegal cable and watches the porn channel in their presence, toughens the kid up by being a total jerk to him, and farting is the actual condition he gives to leave the family alone. In the end he helps the family realize a lot about themselves and move on from the funk they have been in throughout the entire film. I will avoid spoilers by specifying how. Contrastingly, he is MUCH worse to people he doesn't care about all in the name of people he seems to "like."

"Can I find love?"

While many of these people are very protective and loving to their girlfriends or wives--there's certainly a population of them whom typically cannot hold a meaningful relationship to save their dick from falling off. Another weekend another woman. They are the alpha. And as appealing as an alpha may be, just like the cavemen era--they only want to spread the seed. This is reflected by a rap song, "all I want for my birthday is a big booty ho." And let's face it--their birthday is every day. The only lady that may tie him down needs to be a much badder bitch to keep his ass in check. Think Katey Sagal as "Gemma" from Sons of Anarchy (shown below). If you're unfamiliar with that show--familiarize yourself with it. It's actually pretty damn good.

(Skateboard to the face!)

Dammit Greg stop putting your ciggarettes out on the wall!

You've finally done it! That living room set from the IKEA catelog is finally all yours! Every single piece sitting in the perfect position and finally giving your home the feng shui you've been trying to acheive for years.



"They peed on my fucking rug...It really tied the room together."

For for the sake of a good story we'll call this friend "Greg." Why Greg? Because just like your Pokemon rival you just have to name an asshole something you don't like.

So here's the question: How can you be friends with these people?

Greg just thrashed your crowning living room acheivement in one night. A nice get together with friends and family and he just had to fart in the punch bowl, projectile vomit on the sofa, bump into your 55" Samsung flat screen, piss on your rug and in your coat closet. And like a baby creating fecal matter art on the walls--he's smiling and laughing the entire time.

Well as much damage as this guy did to your property he always has your back. He'll push your buttons like no other but if you ever get into a pinch. "Greg I need you to beat this guys' ass." Greg is there. Like many things in life this is a catch 22. Expect to get into trouble, but also expect to get out of trouble when you really need it. The big question would be: "is he worth all of this horse shit?" But that's entirely up to you. 

To Asshole or not to Asshole?
Nice guys finish last? Assholes get all the girls? Who is the most fulfilled?

I must admit I'm a nice guy, but I have asshole tendencies--I'm sure all men do. If it's someone I don't care about who sets them off, it's certainly similar to trying to walk your ass into Mordor. When it comes to those I truly care about though they can't even come close to my range of fire. And If I somehow upset them it's certainly not something I meant to do, and it certainly isn't a natural part of who I am, nor what I aspire to be.

My aspirations in life definitely take a few pointers from the kind of people I've been talking about the whole time. You simply MUST be a total jerk sometimes to get what you want from people, especially if they are trying to take your cake and eat it too. However, actually being that person all the time is filled with superficial actions and encounters that have a tendency to be totally meaningless at the end of the day. I want something meaningful for myself, something of value for the little time we're all given on this earth--I mean I'd like to have fun too, but being a total dick isn't the way to acheive that in my eyes.

I have very deep romantic aspirations for myself as a person. I've certainly become more and more spiritually in tune with my desires on a daily basis. I know I'd love to walk in the light. It'd be great to become a beam of positive energy trudging through the dark sludges that life can drown us with sometimes. In my eyes that's the best way to get through anything. This is something I've certainly taken to heart.

I'd love to marry someone who can handle their shit too, and maybe have some snot machines of my own with this person. If not, I imagine us owning a couple dogs--fuck yeah dogs! Get my education together, be financially stable, and just be content. To sit on my porch and admire all of my sheeyit! Look at all my sheeyit! I got dogs, I got a bad ass retirement plan, I have an atrium, I have a Study, I have a beautiful wife--look at all my sheeyit! (See James Franco in Spring Breakers for the "sheeyit" reference)

(Look at all the sheeyit)


In order to do this for myself I certainly cannot be a full blown asshole, but that part must arise sometimes if any negative energy comes for my dreams--fuck you negativity! Other than that I'd just love to be the best person I possibly can, and keep my head held high.