Insecurity--The Silent Killer or Drunken Atom Bomb

Walk Like A Zombie

(Walk on zombie.)

"I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm incapable of receiving love, and I'm strange!" A human and their insecurities, many of us have them--wait what? "MANY?" Don't we "ALL" have them? Perfect people and nihilistic sociopaths typically don't have any insecurities, nope. What about those of us who do? Feel like a hollow zombie? That smiling laughing facade equivalent to a zombie's grunts and growls? The expression is there, but it's hungry for something. Depending on what the insecurities are, we're looking for something to accommodate it, to fulfill our hunger--we will grunt and growl aimlessly until we are able to sate our insecurities. The human brains and flesh we smell, taking the form of reference points in our lives that will "point us in the right direction." Friends, media, family, and people you've never even met might give you some advice on how to keep the hungry beast of insecurity satisfied, but who wants to live with insecurity? How do we kill it?

Insecure Behaviors Gone Wild

(ANYTHING.)

First thing's first before we attack these beasts, what do they do to us? Well for one, they can make us antisocial and sporadically dysfunctional. Let's talk about Bob and Fiona for a moment.

Bob has friends, they try to get Bob to go out with them. Bob says "no." Hey Bob, wanna go to the movies? "No." Hey Bob want to get some hookers and ice cream? "No." Hey Bob this hot foxy lady wants you do yo--"No." Well fuck you too Bob, you're a regular stick in the mud aren't ya? 

Why is Bob such a stick in the mud? Well let's take a blast to the past. Bob is insecure with himself. He isn't very witty nor is he the most attractive tack in the box. Throughout his life he has repeatedly been called stupid and ugly by his family and some booger-eating children during elementary school.  These insecurities have followed Bob for quite some time, so now the only thing Bob likes to do is get high as shit and play video games in the comfort of his room. This stems from a fear of experiencing more bullshit from people hitting the scar tissue of his past. Bob doesn't want to try harder and get out of his dead end job either, as long as he can pay the bills and game--Bob shall game the fuck on and remain lonely with his massive porn collection and closet full of lotion and tissues.

What about Fiona? She's constantly going out for "one night stands," and if someone is actually interested she says "no." Fiona's friends try to make her date guys, but she pushes every single one away. She's just a major cock block when it comes to love or relationships, what a bitch right?

Just to be clear, there's nothing wrong with Fiona. She's beautiful, intelligent, and hilarious--there's an insecurity there somewhere--fear of commitment. Those two times she fell in love in high school with "asshole 1" and "asshole 2." Both of them were selfish, manipulative, and didn't value her. Then there's the final straw--her college boyfriend turned fiancé. The one who did all of the same shit, but was supposed to be the love of her life. Fiona is a poisonous flower in every aspect because of this. She deserves the absolute best, but she is too afraid of getting her heart broken again to ever love anything. The longer she believes there's something wrong with her (I'm ugly, my personality sucks, I'm fat, etc.), the more permanent the "poisonous flower" label will become. The lifestyle of one night stands and pushing people away who she actually feels something with--this is as routine and as lonely as Bob's lifestyle.

Some more caca
These roles may absolutely be reversed, so no I am not a sexist. Bob and Fiona are interchangeable although they would likely handle stuff a bit differently. Fiona as the hermit could possibly mean watching television all day and going on social media every 5 minutes. While Bob would probably fuck anything that walks without ever calling anyone back.

An Insecurity For Success?
I'd like to make a quick note on the insecurity of "never being good enough." The perfection syndrome if you will. Something typically instilled by overachieving parents who will beat that ass if you ever get anything below a perfect score. To quote the film Talladega Nights, "If you're not first you're last!" So that silver place medal? Oh yeah that will haunt you forever--it's pretty messed up stuff, but at the same time this insecurity is probably the most beneficial in its' own screwed up way (i.e. Michael Jackson's dad beat him into fame).

Drunk And Shamefully Honest

(Confess EVERYTHING)

What happens when Bob and Fiona get sloppy drunk and are asked some meaningful questions about their behavior or what if they just happen to bring some deep rooted shit out?

They cry tears of shame, these people are absolutely miserable. Alcohol may turn these people into the party foul of the night. Their tears and depressed voice, silencing any amount of fun in the room--in other words, "Everyone go outside Fiona is having a moment!" Or in Bob's case he'll likely be typing up a sad story to his guild brothers in arms on World of Warcraft with drunken misspellings (Or if he's feeling really brave, on voice chat). They'll both talk about several things that impacted their insecurities including family life, ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, terrible friends, asshole people, etc.  

Turning to narcotics, alcohol, weed, video games, sex, work, we'll binge on just about anything to put a Band-Aid on our insecurities (some people even turn to charity for others for self fulfillment, strange I know). Honestly though, Band-Aids are just bitch stickers that don't help us truly get over anything. In order to truly purge this stuff you'll have to get a little thug and bust some caps in your own ass.

One Step at a Time Youngling

(Vanquishing insecurities, yeah it's kinda like this.)

Much like the destruction of 7 horcruxes it took to kill a certain villain (Yeah I'm sure many of you know the guy). It's going to take the same amount of effort to kill any flavor of insecurity you might have. Anyway, I had a dog once, he was a terrorist by nature. His silent farts were weapons of mass destruction, straight chemical warfare. Insecurities work the same way, except you're the only one who can smell your shit.

You Got ID To Go With That Proverbial Shit Of The Bull?

(Yeah, I uh think I lost it.)

First thing's first, it's time to identify what the fuck is wrong with you. In order to solve any problem we need to be able to recognize it don't we? Where do these horrible insecurities stem from? Is it really a legitimate reason for your behavior? There are a few possible ways we end up with insecurities, and they are all valid in the same way that twerking is glamorous.

I don't believe in labels

You've been labeled. That's right, throughout your life some piece of shit person you cared about, nor didn't, told you something repeatedly. They are very much like a broken record, except I'm sure you wish they'd play those degrading words backwards and just kill themselves (Google "backmasking" if you don't understand this). They reminded you of one particular flaw of yours and never let up. This tends to happen a lot in elementary school, and just school in general--unfortunately it happens often within families as well. A little story I wrote touches on this subject (A Night To Remember). The girl gets called ugly in high school, and those insecurities just stick with her--6 years later she still feels ugly and tries to find some kind of self-worth in any way that she can instead of actually facing her demons. A great question in this case would be, "Should the opinions of these people actually matter THIS much to me?" Just think about where those people are now, and only focus on the opinions of those who are actually going to help you gain a foothold in your life ambitions. Yeah I'd like to just say a couple words about those people that hold meaningless vendettas against others...Fuck em'. 

The cow says "moooo"...The rooster says "cockadoodledooooo" 

Self induced insecurity by comparisons (possibly the second step to being labeled). "I don't look like this, therefore I am shit." Seriously? Where does this come from? If every female looked like the typical model, well she'd be common wouldn't she? You are you, so embrace that. Want to be someone you're not? Try fitting a triangle into a circle--it's not going to work. You're just going to scratch up the triangle until it eventually snaps, because guess what? YOU ARE A CIRCLE YOU SILLY GOOSE. Don't want to be fat anymore? That's fine, develop a healthy lifestyle. Want an extreme skin tone change, skeletal reconstruction, new eyes, and robot legs? Just please, recognize that we are all different--grow the fuck up and embrace who you are like every single person on this earth already has to do. At the same time though, this one is extremely problematic for many women. It isn't easy to get rid of either--especially if it's been around for a very long time. Being able to recognize why you have an infatuation with something that will never be a part of you, and then questioning whether it's THAT important is a great start. "Do I really want those tits? Fuck, on second thought they would strain my back like an overloaded pack mule." 

A part of me died that night, and I'm not talking the series finale of Breaking Bad

Insecurity by experience is the most serious one. Depending on the severity of the event, recovery may take a few weeks to many years. Post trauma from being treated like garbage is very real. I don't think I need to say what these traumatic events could be, but some of them definitely involve bodily harm, abandonment, and the sight of betrayal. If the events were never that serious, people can typically solve this themselves. Well what if they were severe? Willpower to go to support groups and therapy is the only option that comes to mind. I mean, perhaps you walked in on an older family member doing the freaky deeky? Oh yeah, scarred for life.

Dependency On Self-Pity

(Enough moping, you're just looking for attention now.)

Addiction to self-pity is what makes us hold on to our insecurities for dear life. If we can transition from our petty dependency on self-pity to accepting a situation or solving it, it's not so bad. However, when we can't stop using it as a conduit for emotionally coping with our situations it becomes a problem. This stems from not having the confidence nor the self-awareness to accept and solve our issues. It's this state of mind that creates the perpetual problem of clinging to our insecurities. Many of us also cling to fast food. It's fast, it's easy, and much easier to eat those genetically mutated chickens than to recognize the fake awful sludge we're eating and cook something healthy for ourselves. Did I just compare the ease and unhealthiness of fast food to not dealing with our issues and pitying ourselves? Oh fuck yes I did.

Demolition Time 

(Tibetan Monks hard at work on a sand mandala.)

It's time to unravel yourself, destroy to rebuild. The destruction of yourself is a necessary step, much like the death card in a tarot deck--it's actually one of the best cards because it symbolizes rebirth. Think of it as an extra life in Super Mario Bros., you tried your hardest to save your Yoshi but that son of a bitch ran off a cliff and you followed him to your death in a desperate attempt to keep his silly green dinosaur ass alive. OH look you have another life! Now you get another chance! Just keep Yoshi in check this time. Back to business though, with all of these insecurities eating away at you--they've slowly become a part of who you are. As I've mentioned before, these fuckers are cancerous. Much like chemo therapy, you'll need to destroy every part of yourself to weed out the insecurities for good.

Here's An Illustration For The People

Tibetan Monks partake in a sand painting ritual, where they place individual grains of colored sand to create a mandala (see above). 

Mandala: a geometric figure representing the universe in Hindu and Buddhist symbolism.

"This must take for-ev-urrrrrr." Oh yes my friends it does, but get this--they destroy these elaborate sand mandalas after they are completed. They generally take weeks of arduously tedious work to complete by several monks. The destruction symbolizes the impermanence of life. However, throughout history the mandala itself has represented religious figures, such as gods and devils. My interpretation of this in terms of battling insecurity is this: life is impermanent, as are the demons who occupy it--similarly we must destroy our personal "mandalas" and work our asses off on creating one where the demons of insecurity remain absent. You may have to re-build your mandala many times, but it'll be worth the effort in the end. It's kind of like constructing the perfect blanket fort. There's an entrance made from the couch cushions, separate rooms, a box fan, television, video games, snacks, legos--fuck yeah.



Unintentionally Unraveling Yourself--Hide That Loose Thread On Your Ugly Sweater
Victims of insecurity sometimes don't ever truly know who they are until they hit rock bottom. That point where life kicks your teeth in, that's where you have no choice but to be strong--it's that point where all insecurity doesn't matter anymore. At the same time those issues are still unsolved, so that strength you exhibit becomes a "front" while those unsolved problems continue to poison your insides like my mom's horrid cooking. It's better to force the unraveling of yourself before traveling the road than to have life do it for you, trust me on that I'm a Doctor--the road to recovery is near.

"It's A Long Hard Road Out Of Hell" 

 

(The Road.)

Build that confidence ladies and gentlemen. Look in the mirror every morning and say "God damn I'm amazing!" Seriously though, please practice this ritual without becoming a narcissistic piece of shit (Fun fact: narcissists are actually some of the most insecure people out there, narcissism is just another crutch). Taking a good long look at yourself, realizing what your strengths and weaknesses are and how to improve upon both is what's most important. It's more of a learning experience than anything else that begs the question of "Who the fuck am I?" 

Cormac McCarthy's The Road is kind of like this journey you'll have to take. Your entire world is post-apocalyptic and you have to be strong (as the man of the story must be to survive), but make sure to retain your identity and keep it safe (the man protects his child, a symbol of innocence--the part that should remain). All of this must be done while avoiding cannibalistic people (very similar to what we already go through where some people try to feed on us or victimize us through our insecurities). This is a bit like life in general though isn't it? Oh life, you're so difficult! Boo-hoo!

The length of your own "road" is dependent on the amount of work you're willing to put into it, and how much faith you have in yourself. If a particular insecurity is killing your social life, upsetting you, or making you feel worthless--isn't it worth the effort to kill it permanently? Taking the road is basically getting scorched earth on that cockroach with a dozen cans of Raid.

Building confidence, learning to understand yourself, and being able to coexist carelessly with the duality of awesome people and shitty people are excellent ways to walk this "road" with few issues. Continue walking as long as necessary--eventually you'll reach that point where every insecurity that plagued you will feel like they never existed. The road of living without insecurity doesn't end until you die, simply because insecurities are an easy addiction (nicotine doesn't have anything on this sheeyit). Enough time will make it difficult to return to those mindsets if they've been absent for a good while, the longer the better. Basically, try and make the most of the life you've been given--don't be hindered by internal banter, follow your road "banter free." We don't need internal arguments with moody Rosie O' Donnell.

The Cleansing Is Complete! I Feel 30lbs Lighter!

 

(Pretty much...)

Well now Bob and Fiona met up, got hitched, popped out some ugly little shit disturbing kids--all is well! Not to say that insecurities are the biggest issue in life, because they absolutely are not. Although they can be crippling to ones' evolution as a person. This is highly problematic, but not as problematic as missing breakfast--I love my breakfast. Seriously though people, handle this. It benefits no one, especially you. The sooner we clean up our mess, the better. We don't want to end up depending on R2-D2 to get our asses out of a self-made trash compactor do we? I think not. Destruction of venomous outlooks, and keeping your feet on a road without insecurity should most definitely lead to that colon cleansing you may have needed years ago.