You're my best friend, but I'd love to see you fail so fucking hard.
(This bitch.)
The "frenemy": people in life who remain close, portray themselves as a "friend" when, in fact, they'd just love to take a shit on your day.
"OH WOW BRIAN I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE LIKE THIS!" Oh don't we all? At one point or another I've had to cut them out like the intake of rotten foods from my diet, because these people are indeed rotten. I COULD just rant about these shit disturbers, but I have a theory as to why these people love to act like Judas. I mean understanding the "why," that's how we get to the root of any problem right boys and girls?
What is this sharp object doing in my back? Oh, you put it there? Oh that's fine we're friends!
(No, we are not in love with Judas--fuck that guy.)
Why? WHY do these people do this?? That awesome promotion you achieved at work, your amazing girlfriend/ boyfriend, the hit or miss career you're excited to start, and basically anything you accomplish that they cannot, or haven't--all of these things are subject to exploitation and ruination by these "frenemies."
Either jealousy or the fact that they could just be a negative prick are the factors here. When you're trying to do something to better yourself, frenemies cannot stand it. Incidentally, it's because these are tasks they are just not willing to put the time nor effort into, and they borderline hate you for it. The reason being simply that these assholes are too lazy or just don't have the same skill set as you. Is this your fault? Should you feel bad? Fuck no. Go kick rocks Judas we don't need your shit anymore.
A display case full of nightmares thanks to said "friends"--this is why we can't have nice things!
(The ugly truth on display.)
Want some examples? I got examples. Want boats and hoes? Yeah, I might know a guy. Want to know why these frenemies initiate some downright medieval shit to people they consider friends? Even if jealousy or being an overall negative bitter person is the reason--I cannot fathom why people would commit some of these heinous acts. Let's divide and conquer this shall we?
A list of stuff
Schemers Schemin'
Home Wreckers Delight
Negative Nancy Extravaganza
Caught On Social Media
Showboating: A Lesson In Gigantic Heads
Schemers Schemin' Creep Creep Creepin'
(Sneaky bastards.)
Christie just snagged an excellent job that Susie wanted for years, Susie comes up with an elaborate plan to get Christie fired. Making anonymous complaints and sending personal information about Christie that could get her ass canned. After the desired event occurs, Christie goes to Susie for comfort, completely oblivious to why she was fired. Susie couldn't bear to see her friend succeed at something she has wanted for a long time--what a boob.
Think of the film Amadeus, where Antonio Salieri does everything in his power to keep his peer, Amadeus Mozart--whom he admired greatly for his talents--from gaining more success than himself. He acted as a friend, yet took every opportunity to ruin his career (Salieri gave council in favor of not allowing him to play certain pieces of music among other dubious plots he carried out). His jealousy even went as far as cursing God for giving Mozart the talents that Salieri did not possess. Oh yes, there are many Salieris out there folks.
Deal with it.
How do you deal with this? Well depending on who it is, your scheming frenemy may come up with something so diabolical that even Judas himself would be proud, or if your friend is the village idiot you should have no problem catching on quickly.
The village idiot will have little difficulty in messing up an "anonymous tip," sending you a text you were not supposed to see by mistake, or telling one of your closest friends something you're not supposed to know (yeah like my best fucking friend in the world isn't going to tell me this crap, idiot). A true professional at this will cover all tracks and ruin your life...the only advice I have in this instance would be to get closer with all of the friends in your circle. Make a blood pact, go to have a near death experience together, get drunk together every weekend, do SOMETHING. Information is extremely valuable, and if you have enough sources, you can swat that fly before it ever lands on your sandwich.
What to do? It's simple--shank that pompous douche. Really though, I would just cut these frenemies too.
Deal with it.
How do you deal with this? Well depending on who it is, your scheming frenemy may come up with something so diabolical that even Judas himself would be proud, or if your friend is the village idiot you should have no problem catching on quickly.
The village idiot will have little difficulty in messing up an "anonymous tip," sending you a text you were not supposed to see by mistake, or telling one of your closest friends something you're not supposed to know (yeah like my best fucking friend in the world isn't going to tell me this crap, idiot). A true professional at this will cover all tracks and ruin your life...the only advice I have in this instance would be to get closer with all of the friends in your circle. Make a blood pact, go to have a near death experience together, get drunk together every weekend, do SOMETHING. Information is extremely valuable, and if you have enough sources, you can swat that fly before it ever lands on your sandwich.
Homewreckers Delight--Hide Yo' Kids Hide Yo' Wife
(You caught Bert in Oscar's can! ?)
Let's say you finally hit it off from your dream crush from high school, there's a type of frenemy that will try to fuck that up too. Why? Well this frenemy has either had luck with less attractive people, or they have also had their eye on this person. You'd better believe this shithead is going to do everything they can to break you guys up.
The two main options for breaking people up in my experience are rumors or the frenemy trying to hook up with your partner themselves--even possibly having someone else do it if they're lame and insecure.
Okay let's talk loss prevention. Rumors? Sorry about your luck friend, but these little fuckers are difficult to combat against, especially if you haven't known your partner for too long. The only methods of handling this are just having enough trust with each other to know that the whole rumor mill is a bunch of bullshit, or as I've said previously: become closer with the same circle of friends. This will lead you to the culprit where you can either tell them to knock the shit off or you can cut that slimy rumor-spreading troll out of your life.
What about a friend trying to hook up with your partner? If the hook up fails, you have yourself a good relationship--if it doesn't, just don't even worry about it, they're worthless and will probably do it again. Case closed bitches. Same solutions apply here though ladies and germs, you can either tell them to stop, or surgically remove those nasty tumors.
"Cut out of my life!? What about bros before hoes? Chicks before dicks?" If a friend tries to corrupt your relationship like an internet porn virus is that really a friend? Do we want ads of cock and balls in our face when we're trying to solve our own problems? That's how obnoxious these frenemies can be, they just stick out and look nasty. When these people intrude our relationships because of jealousy or any other illegitimate reason--they honestly have no right. They're interjecting on something personal. Advice is one thing, but completely intruding as a frenemy is another.
What about a friend trying to hook up with your partner? If the hook up fails, you have yourself a good relationship--if it doesn't, just don't even worry about it, they're worthless and will probably do it again. Case closed bitches. Same solutions apply here though ladies and germs, you can either tell them to stop, or surgically remove those nasty tumors.
"Cut out of my life!? What about bros before hoes? Chicks before dicks?" If a friend tries to corrupt your relationship like an internet porn virus is that really a friend? Do we want ads of cock and balls in our face when we're trying to solve our own problems? That's how obnoxious these frenemies can be, they just stick out and look nasty. When these people intrude our relationships because of jealousy or any other illegitimate reason--they honestly have no right. They're interjecting on something personal. Advice is one thing, but completely intruding as a frenemy is another.
Negative Nancy Extravaganza! Everything About You Sucks!
(Parade!?...oh...guess not.)
Some people just seem to be born this way and don't want you to get excited about anything at all. They just emit massive balls of chi packed with enough negative draining energy to obliterate any happiness about anything. Puppy dogs, candy canes, and Disneyland are all subject to death by these people. This type of "friend" isn't recommended.
Being blunt about situations is one thing, but your "friend" being purely negative about something that clearly has meaning to you is another. I'm a blunt person myself, but a lesson I've learned is that if you're going to be a blunt asshole--you need to say something constructive as well.
Here's some examples and shit
Being blunt about situations is one thing, but your "friend" being purely negative about something that clearly has meaning to you is another. I'm a blunt person myself, but a lesson I've learned is that if you're going to be a blunt asshole--you need to say something constructive as well.
Here's some examples and shit
Negative Nancy: "Wow you just nabbed that Bachelor's degree? You know even with a Bachelor's degree you probably won't get a career."
or
Blunt Friend: "Damn congratulations on that degree! Times are a bit tough and getting into a career will be hard, but I know some people who can help you out. They have connections to internships that will get your foot in the door son!"
Negative Nancy: "Those shoes are awful, wow what were you thinking?"
or
Blunt Friend: "Those shoes are hideous! Honestly, take them back--we'll go to a place that has something to match that outfit you color-blind savage!"
& Shit.
(I'm not here right now.)
Do you enjoy "friends" who bail on you for other "friends?" Or you know what's even better? When these "friends" tell you all about how much they dislike so many aspects about a particular circle of friends they hang out with, yet bail on you for them all the time! We live in a special age friends, an age of social media.
When Kim wants to take a picture with your friend Terri, drinks in hand, that stab of betrayal is getting posted up for the world to see. Why a stab of betrayal? Well because you've known Terri since middle school! She said she'd go to your college graduation party, yet here she is with Kim!? They are frolicking about, having the most fun in the world, when the reality is that Terri will tell you every horrible thing Kim has ever confided to her in addition to what she already knows. Frenemies are so much drama, I know.
If you're a person of actual substance they'll typically come to you when they need you, but if they want a good time--they'll go to their circle of short-bus Jerry Springer bound "friends." I'd say just let them have at it and free yourself to go make some real friends.
or
Blunt Friend: "Damn congratulations on that degree! Times are a bit tough and getting into a career will be hard, but I know some people who can help you out. They have connections to internships that will get your foot in the door son!"
Negative Nancy: "Those shoes are awful, wow what were you thinking?"
or
Blunt Friend: "Those shoes are hideous! Honestly, take them back--we'll go to a place that has something to match that outfit you color-blind savage!"
& Shit.
Caught On Social Media? Freakin' Idiot! Gawd!
(I'm not here right now.)
Do you enjoy "friends" who bail on you for other "friends?" Or you know what's even better? When these "friends" tell you all about how much they dislike so many aspects about a particular circle of friends they hang out with, yet bail on you for them all the time! We live in a special age friends, an age of social media.
When Kim wants to take a picture with your friend Terri, drinks in hand, that stab of betrayal is getting posted up for the world to see. Why a stab of betrayal? Well because you've known Terri since middle school! She said she'd go to your college graduation party, yet here she is with Kim!? They are frolicking about, having the most fun in the world, when the reality is that Terri will tell you every horrible thing Kim has ever confided to her in addition to what she already knows. Frenemies are so much drama, I know.
If you're a person of actual substance they'll typically come to you when they need you, but if they want a good time--they'll go to their circle of short-bus Jerry Springer bound "friends." I'd say just let them have at it and free yourself to go make some real friends.
Showboating: A Lesson In Gigantic Heads--Mine Is Better Than Yours Neener Neener Neenerrr
(Mine?)
This is another form of Negative Nancy honestly--these "friends" will brag about their life to you. When you're talking about what you're doing in life, expect to get cut off and lectured on your frenemie's pay raise. They will compare your success to the seldom selection of a white crayon in a Crayola box. Bragging and simply not listening or congratulating you on your accomplishments are a common trend among these people. The reasoning? Likely jealousy of your accomplishments, or they just want to be happy for themselves and not you.
What to do? It's simple--shank that pompous douche. Really though, I would just cut these frenemies too.
Oh No, I Have A Frenemy!
("It's naht a TUMAH!" Oh yes it is Arnie, yes it is.)
I've foreshadowed this in basically every type of frenemy I've mentioned--cut em'. These cryptic back stabbers are a waste of your time, energy, and are just determined to watch you fall. They consistently want to be above you at the most ridiculous costs. I wish I could say this behavior ends in High School, but it absolutely does not for many people with stunted maturity growth (I accept donations for these poor souls with stunted maturity growth, e-mail me for details).
"Cut Sarah? I've known her since I was 6 years old!" Tough titty! You can't make Sarah do anything. You can talk to her about her frenemy-like behavior, sure, but making her change? Good luck with that. From my experience many of these people never change, and the only way they ever will is if they choose to do it themselves. There's an expression for this: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." No matter how hard you push the stupid frenemy horse it will likely die before it ever drinks.
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