Braggarts, Villains, Theives, and Stalkers--We Love You Internet
(I'm pretty sure we were supposed to be riding light bikes guys.)
See this picture of Mahi-Mahi I just posted? I'm about to eat that. Mahi-Mahi doesn't even know what's about to go down. Jealous? I know you wanna like this picture, if you don't--I'm going to be upset, but not only am I going to be upset...see this picture of your dog you posted 42 minutes ago? Want another like? NOPE. And that brilliant Mark Twain shit I said earlier? Really? Only TWO LIKES!?
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Is there anything wrong with this picture? Well...I can think of a few things to say. Should I say them? I mean...damn I know I've been guilty of many of the same habits...I think it's time for...DRUM ROLL PLEASE!
-Drum Roll-
Social Networking Etiquette
For now, let's just see why we might want to practice this Social Networking Etiquette.
For now, let's just see why we might want to practice this Social Networking Etiquette.
The Coveted like, similar to the gold star, but so much cooler!
(Oh yeaaaaah, feels damn good to be me.)
You want some likes? It's time to get Oprah on this. "You get a like, you get a like, YOU get a like, EVERYONE GETS A LIKE!!" While not entirely guaran-fucking-teed, I can assure you this--you'll likely have more of them than you've ever had before. "How Brian? HOW?! I'm such a fucking pansy and people barely glance at my posts!" Look no further young grasshopper--Papa Baker will show you the light.
Classy Not Trashy
(I can wipe my own ass AND wash my hands--nice to meet you.)
A Word Of Warning: This blog is intended as a guideline to create meaningful posts to possibly catch the attention of meaningful people or become truly Mr. or Ms. Fucking Popular--if that's your intention. Partaking in any excessive posting behaviors that I suggest you don't do COULD make you look a bit silly (this list is based off numerous complaints I've heard from many different people). The whole point is meaningful posts, and I know I make a bunch of useless ones myself--yeah I'm not perfect, sorry ladies. If you don't want the advice, read anyway for the madness I'm about to lay down.
Social Networking Etiquette, it's so damn important for those likes, but if you don't care about validation on a social network then what's "le point?" (This is french for "what's the fucking point?") I'd like to make one thing very clear, you can actually meet some really awesome people through Social Networking websites--a reason why this validation can actually be great, it'll make people think twice about just how awesome you really are! MAYBE make some connections? MAYBE job opportunities? Y'know get ahead in life, not just show people every single thing you eat every day. I'm not condemning this behavior, food is so damn amazing--just please stop triggering my sushi cravings people!
If you get those likes no matter what you post, then my friend you must have a lot of fans. If "I put my shoes on today :)" gets 25 likes and many appraising comments, life is either treating you well and you can walk on water in your friends' eyes or you have selfish friends who want those likes returned in full. Or maybe they really like other people putting shoes on? To each his own I guess! Is that true validation though? Who are you impressing? Is it important to impress them? Or if it's all shits and giggles that's fine too--not hating on you guys and gals who love to have fun and don't care about what you post (I have my fair share of those posts too).
Basically, this is advice to make the most meaningful posts you can (as mentioned in my words of warning), which will likely garner attention for meaningful reasons. It's not just showing off tits, it's not just showing off food, it's not just showing off all of the alcohol you drank Friday night (hell I'd like that because I love me some good alcoholic beverages), and it's not about trying to get pity from people with your depressed negative crap. Anywho, time to get "#realtalk" on this!
Commandments of Social Networking Etiquette
1. Thou Shalt Not Be A Total Braggart
2. Thou Shalt Not Post Food Every 10 Seconds
3. Thou Shalt Not Post Negative Depressing Personal Ailments, Complaints, or Irrelevant Daily Activities and Behavior
4. Thou Shalt Not Post Every Song One Hath Listened To For The Day
5. Thou Shalt Not Share Lame Quotes
6. Thou Shalt Not "Selfie" The Whole Feed
7. Thou Shalt Not Post Politics
8. Thou Shalt Not Smother Feed With Signifant Other
9. Thou Shalt Not Post Degrading Negative Remarks About Others
10. Thou Shalt Not Spam Game Invites
1. Being a Total Braggart, Totally
(It's awesome being Gaston.)
"LOOK AT ALLL MY STUFFFFFFFFFF"
I can understand this, (refer to picture of Brian wearing Movado watch on instagram "brianthebaker88") but when it happens in excess? People stop getting excited--it loses meaning, and at the end of the day we do look like Gaston. A pompous self-centered asshole. Belle would rather pursue a god damn monster than Gaston--what does that say friends? Conscious grounded people would rather commit beastiality than get with Gaston. Gross.
SNE(Social Networking Etiquette)
Brag my friends, of course. "I just bought a new car!" Well you worked really hard for that car didn't you? I mean--it's a CAR people! Shows hard work, and that you made a huge effort to obtain it. What about just regular shit we buy Brian? OF COURSE! Show off your favorite dress out of the billions you bought, and don't forget to rock the shit out of it for the world to see!
(We will eat all of this amazing food--then massacre you all and eat some more!)
You know...when people post their entire 10-course meal of the day it's like....man--you must poo a lot. SERIOUSLY though, why does anyone want to just look at food all day? It's like advertisements making us crave stuff. Do you want me to get all my skinny beautiful friends FAT!? Gawd. Also, post pictures of your alcohol, we all love that shit! Just not TOO often because well...then you just seem to have a problem (Oh hey! GUILTY).
SNE
Want to be classy about this? If it's a home cooked masterpiece write the recipe as a caption. WHOA! What was that? Did I blow someones' brain out of their eyes? People would know you have skill, you can cook, TALENT. I know there are many who love their pinterest, there are recipes all over the place over there--people LOVE that. It's also a way to make the 10-courses meaningful, you gluttonous fatties you (also...sometimes...GUILTY).
"Dear everyone, I am sad today--fuck everything in the world."
"Oh my god, nothing is better yet. :("
or
"Going to work, then gym, then bed!"
"Going to class! :)"
Something I try not to do is complain to the world on any social networking site. Some things should stay private for good reason. This is what real friends and private messages are for; people have enough issues! Unless of course you are in desperate need of help and have zero real friends then I suppose it's ok, but if that's the case I'd suggest a therapist and a change in lifestyle.
A few words on mundane daily activities. Want to interest people? This is not the way to go about it. It's just like the common habit of talking about the weather. Everyone closest to me lives in Southern California I don't want to know the obvious fact that it's too hot for Satan from 100 different people. Yes, we know we know--it's hot, it's raining, it's cold. Want them likes son? Let's get back on this etiquette.
SNE
Keep your problems and terrible negative feelings to yourself. If you absolutely NEED to say something negative, make a positive out of it--make it interesting as well!
Example A:
"Today was rough, but tomorrow....oh tomorrow you are going down to bitch town."
And talking about daily mundane activities and obvious weather? Stop that crap! Tell a damn story! Some strange and unusual shit that occured during your day! Make it amusing! And if absolutely nothing strange or unusual occured during your day then you are a liar--life is too spontaneous and people are too weird for this to not be possible!
Example B
"Zeus made it rain so hard today, he didn't fuck around. In other news some homeless guy was doing a raindance by the 91 onramp; I'd say he might be the real reason for all this rain."
(Oh yeah, we're going there.)
I can understand this, (refer to picture of Brian wearing Movado watch on instagram "brianthebaker88") but when it happens in excess? People stop getting excited--it loses meaning, and at the end of the day we do look like Gaston. A pompous self-centered asshole. Belle would rather pursue a god damn monster than Gaston--what does that say friends? Conscious grounded people would rather commit beastiality than get with Gaston. Gross.
SNE(Social Networking Etiquette)
Brag my friends, of course. "I just bought a new car!" Well you worked really hard for that car didn't you? I mean--it's a CAR people! Shows hard work, and that you made a huge effort to obtain it. What about just regular shit we buy Brian? OF COURSE! Show off your favorite dress out of the billions you bought, and don't forget to rock the shit out of it for the world to see!
2. "I'm a Glutton And I'm Not Afraid to Show it--Pfft World Hunger isn't Real!"
(We will eat all of this amazing food--then massacre you all and eat some more!)
You know...when people post their entire 10-course meal of the day it's like....man--you must poo a lot. SERIOUSLY though, why does anyone want to just look at food all day? It's like advertisements making us crave stuff. Do you want me to get all my skinny beautiful friends FAT!? Gawd. Also, post pictures of your alcohol, we all love that shit! Just not TOO often because well...then you just seem to have a problem (Oh hey! GUILTY).
SNE
Want to be classy about this? If it's a home cooked masterpiece write the recipe as a caption. WHOA! What was that? Did I blow someones' brain out of their eyes? People would know you have skill, you can cook, TALENT. I know there are many who love their pinterest, there are recipes all over the place over there--people LOVE that. It's also a way to make the 10-courses meaningful, you gluttonous fatties you (also...sometimes...GUILTY).
3. Tell Us About Your Troubles and Mundane Daily Activities Please
(Ya'll are cray)
"Dear everyone, I am sad today--fuck everything in the world."
"Oh my god, nothing is better yet. :("
or
"Going to work, then gym, then bed!"
"Going to class! :)"
Something I try not to do is complain to the world on any social networking site. Some things should stay private for good reason. This is what real friends and private messages are for; people have enough issues! Unless of course you are in desperate need of help and have zero real friends then I suppose it's ok, but if that's the case I'd suggest a therapist and a change in lifestyle.
A few words on mundane daily activities. Want to interest people? This is not the way to go about it. It's just like the common habit of talking about the weather. Everyone closest to me lives in Southern California I don't want to know the obvious fact that it's too hot for Satan from 100 different people. Yes, we know we know--it's hot, it's raining, it's cold. Want them likes son? Let's get back on this etiquette.
SNE
Keep your problems and terrible negative feelings to yourself. If you absolutely NEED to say something negative, make a positive out of it--make it interesting as well!
Example A:
"Today was rough, but tomorrow....oh tomorrow you are going down to bitch town."
And talking about daily mundane activities and obvious weather? Stop that crap! Tell a damn story! Some strange and unusual shit that occured during your day! Make it amusing! And if absolutely nothing strange or unusual occured during your day then you are a liar--life is too spontaneous and people are too weird for this to not be possible!
Example B
"Zeus made it rain so hard today, he didn't fuck around. In other news some homeless guy was doing a raindance by the 91 onramp; I'd say he might be the real reason for all this rain."
4. YOUTUBE SONGZ PEOPLE
(Click on this song if you haven't heard it! Or if you have already PLEASE like it!)
Feeds, filled up with a bunch of songs--will most people actually click on it or tap on them with their phones? Probably not. We don't need to know every single song you're cleaning your humble abode to, nor do we need to hear all the depressed songs you're playing because well--you're depressed (see commandment 3). It becomes meaningless like anything else if used in excess. Keyword that i'll continue to hammer home here is: excess.
SNE
This one is largely dependent on your friends. Are they absolutely crazy about music? If so, what kind? If you have a bunch of friends into straight-to-your-face heavy fuckin' metal and you play Taylor Swift--yeah probably not going to get many likes. Definitely try to make your music posts and choices interesting--talk about that part that makes you swoon like no other man or woman ever could. People might think twice. "Holy shit this awesome person said this song is better than having a woman?! WHAT!" Interest caught--if they don't like it, one of you must have shitty music taste...but really, music is tricky because everyone is so particular about what they enjoy. It's something you just have to share because you damn well feel like it, just don't expect much praise unless all of your friends like the same music--yeah, not gonna happen.
This one is largely dependent on your friends. Are they absolutely crazy about music? If so, what kind? If you have a bunch of friends into straight-to-your-face heavy fuckin' metal and you play Taylor Swift--yeah probably not going to get many likes. Definitely try to make your music posts and choices interesting--talk about that part that makes you swoon like no other man or woman ever could. People might think twice. "Holy shit this awesome person said this song is better than having a woman?! WHAT!" Interest caught--if they don't like it, one of you must have shitty music taste...but really, music is tricky because everyone is so particular about what they enjoy. It's something you just have to share because you damn well feel like it, just don't expect much praise unless all of your friends like the same music--yeah, not gonna happen.
5. The E-Cards Of Quotes
(Please...go away.)
Yeah, Brian is kind of part of the assholian race--knocking on these e-card quotes, I know, I know. "But guys, really guys, THIS ONE is SO ME!" or, "OH MY GOD this is SO US!" Here's the issue with this, it merges your identity, throws you into a sea of other people saying the saaaaame stufffff. You are you, screw those cards. I must admit though, I really love the funny E-Cards and have posted them myself (GUILTY).
SNE
Want to be awesome and extraordinary? Tell a story about why that card relates to you and/or your friend(s). I personally don't like the mushy ones, like the one above--"When boys hug you from behind," da fuck does this even mean? But there are a few about how we get into trouble and have a pretty awesome partner in crime. Tell a damn story about THAT (unless of course there are legal ramifications for the madness you guys created once upon a time). This way you retain your invididuality and the interest level is much higher, as opposed to "here's a card, this is me," no dude, it's just a card.
SNE
Proud of the way you look? Excellent. Want to be even more attractive? Throw some personality in there. It's one thing to be physically alluring, but that's the only thing you'll get attention for. PERSONAL EXAMPLE: Girl thought I was attractive, figured out that I'm not a typical pretty boy--I'm a complex, positive, thoughtful, and insightful shithead. I was dumped, cry me a river? No. I am me, and i'll put myself out there before my looks. Why? Looks change, your personality is forever and if people don't accept that part of you there's no point. People of that nature are superficial and shallow anyway so don't even waste your time.
It's like rolling dice when you attract for looks and not personality, people will either stay with you just because you're "hot," or realize they hate your personality later in the relationship OR by an amazing stroke of luck you may actually LIKE each other. If you just want to have a bunch of random sexual encounters that's fine too if you're frisky like that. So my friends, make quirky captions about your pictures, who you are--capture your eyes and smile, some titty action is always good too I guess, but try not to go overboard! You worked hard for your body, go ahead and put yourself out there, just try not to snap 1000 selfies if you can contain yourself! I'd say 1-3 times a week is modest, if there is a rare event then 1-10 is OK.
Or maybe you're just looking for validation? You want people to be all over every single selfie you post. This isn't a way to satisfy insecurity. Love yourself, be secure with your own looks, and you'll never have to worry about needing so much validation from the interweb.
(You are the devil Republicans! NOOO YOOOU are the devil Democrats!)
Don't talk about politics ever. Period. Done. Want to ruin friendships, sit on self-made tacks, and kill kittens? Yeah--don't do it you kitten destroyer.
SNE
If you REALLY need to talk about politics, I suppose I'll give some insight. Don't pick sides--never ever pick sides. If you're going to talk about any political issue pay attention to BOTH sides. Talk about how you don't like one person's agenda, but also what you DO like about it. Don't be an outright negative dickhead. You'll still probably get backlash though, ah...such is the life of politics! I'd just avoid it altogether.
(Everyone will know that you're a homewrecker.)
Alright alright somebody took a shit on your life and you want them to suffer for it, fair enough. Calling people out and using negative derogatory words in front of all of your friends though? What do you expect? A slew of angry messages towards the person? I mean that's just going to stir the pot even more. If said person is really so horrible they deserve absolutely ZERO effort from you. If you were close with them, they'll find other shitty people to accomodate their needs, and well if you're awesome--they'll return. I'm talking about friends too, not just relationships. Or maybe as the above caption implies, you wanted to call out a "homewrecker?" I have one thing to say about that "It takes two baybay." But really don't do this, it makes you look immature and it shows the person who did you wrong that it affected you, don't give them the satisfaction.
SNE
How to do this with class and pizazz? There's no way honestly. ACTUALLY, you COULD kill the person with kindness through a post--but that would also be immature. Issues like this should only take place between the parties involved. Kill them with kindness in person or through message. It'll mind fuck them. "Why isn't he not upset or angry!?" Mission accomplished, no skin off your teeth.
SNE
Want to be awesome and extraordinary? Tell a story about why that card relates to you and/or your friend(s). I personally don't like the mushy ones, like the one above--"When boys hug you from behind," da fuck does this even mean? But there are a few about how we get into trouble and have a pretty awesome partner in crime. Tell a damn story about THAT (unless of course there are legal ramifications for the madness you guys created once upon a time). This way you retain your invididuality and the interest level is much higher, as opposed to "here's a card, this is me," no dude, it's just a card.
6. "I'm Sexy And I Know It"
(Get it? Got it? Good.)
Why take a million pictures of yourself every day? Because you're a sexy bitch that's why. Party Rock plays while you walk down the street, when you're at the grocery store, when you're in the kitchen, even when you're #nofilter and #nomakeup! Why in the name of Kentucky Fried Chicken would this be bad? Narcissism isn't necessarily a great quality. "I want to put myself out there to attract people with my looks! I get likes like crazy because I'm so damn hot!" Yes, we can clearly see your tits, but where are your beautiful eyes, smile, and charming personality? Guys do the same thing, they'll be like "Hay gurrl look at these abs," and I'm sure the question pops up: "AND???"
SNE
Proud of the way you look? Excellent. Want to be even more attractive? Throw some personality in there. It's one thing to be physically alluring, but that's the only thing you'll get attention for. PERSONAL EXAMPLE: Girl thought I was attractive, figured out that I'm not a typical pretty boy--I'm a complex, positive, thoughtful, and insightful shithead. I was dumped, cry me a river? No. I am me, and i'll put myself out there before my looks. Why? Looks change, your personality is forever and if people don't accept that part of you there's no point. People of that nature are superficial and shallow anyway so don't even waste your time.
It's like rolling dice when you attract for looks and not personality, people will either stay with you just because you're "hot," or realize they hate your personality later in the relationship OR by an amazing stroke of luck you may actually LIKE each other. If you just want to have a bunch of random sexual encounters that's fine too if you're frisky like that. So my friends, make quirky captions about your pictures, who you are--capture your eyes and smile, some titty action is always good too I guess, but try not to go overboard! You worked hard for your body, go ahead and put yourself out there, just try not to snap 1000 selfies if you can contain yourself! I'd say 1-3 times a week is modest, if there is a rare event then 1-10 is OK.
Or maybe you're just looking for validation? You want people to be all over every single selfie you post. This isn't a way to satisfy insecurity. Love yourself, be secure with your own looks, and you'll never have to worry about needing so much validation from the interweb.
7. "Politics" What An Ugly Ass Word
Don't talk about politics ever. Period. Done. Want to ruin friendships, sit on self-made tacks, and kill kittens? Yeah--don't do it you kitten destroyer.
SNE
If you REALLY need to talk about politics, I suppose I'll give some insight. Don't pick sides--never ever pick sides. If you're going to talk about any political issue pay attention to BOTH sides. Talk about how you don't like one person's agenda, but also what you DO like about it. Don't be an outright negative dickhead. You'll still probably get backlash though, ah...such is the life of politics! I'd just avoid it altogether.
8. Look World We're Cuddling!
(New flame? Awesome. What you guys' love each other already? Congratulations, but uh...I feel like your life is on my feed.)
Kissy pictures, cuddling pictures, risque pictures, holding hand pictures, hugging pictures, cute status updates every 15 minutes...but wait...THERE'S MORE: check-ins to the restroom, to the movies, to restaurants, to your homes, to the center of the earth, to the moon--YOU TWO ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE. We get it you are excited, you love each other, it's awesome sauce and we are all envious of you secretly. When used in excess though...yeah it becomes pretty lame after a while. Even the most diehard romantics will turn away.
SNE
Love is a beautiful thing, I hold every one of those feelings I've ever had greatly to heart. If you want to keep the social expression of this meaningful though--don't sound like an obsessive couple who might turn psycho and chop each other up for dinner in the event of a break up. Is there a grand special date you guys have planned for the month? Post that. We won't know what's going on with you guys, but it'll certainly bring about an "awww they look like they're doing so well," commence tear shedding. If we know what's going on ALL the time, meaning is lost--maybe not to your relationship, but definitely to the audience.
9. This Girl Is Ratchet
Alright alright somebody took a shit on your life and you want them to suffer for it, fair enough. Calling people out and using negative derogatory words in front of all of your friends though? What do you expect? A slew of angry messages towards the person? I mean that's just going to stir the pot even more. If said person is really so horrible they deserve absolutely ZERO effort from you. If you were close with them, they'll find other shitty people to accomodate their needs, and well if you're awesome--they'll return. I'm talking about friends too, not just relationships. Or maybe as the above caption implies, you wanted to call out a "homewrecker?" I have one thing to say about that "It takes two baybay." But really don't do this, it makes you look immature and it shows the person who did you wrong that it affected you, don't give them the satisfaction.
SNE
How to do this with class and pizazz? There's no way honestly. ACTUALLY, you COULD kill the person with kindness through a post--but that would also be immature. Issues like this should only take place between the parties involved. Kill them with kindness in person or through message. It'll mind fuck them. "Why isn't he not upset or angry!?" Mission accomplished, no skin off your teeth.
10. Game Invites, Game Gifts, Game Errthang
(Say no to drugs)
Spamming anything game related to your friends is nothing short of annoying. Many people are trying to live their lives, not get sucked into another. I personally vow to never play you Candy Crush, your black magic has consumed many lives.
SNE
This one is simple--only send game stuff to friends who want to play the stupid game with you! The end.
Hashtags, the Hidden Commandment
(Oh yeah, we're going there.)
#selfie #longhairdontcare #tbt..well I've seen all of these before. The only thing I'm going to say about hashtags is that they are kind of pointless unless you want to appear on a trends page. Putting yourself on the map is definitely something I don't disagree with, especially if you're an awesome person. The problem is that everyone else is doing the same thing--this means a loss of originality and personality. This one has a special condition in Social Networking Etiquette--sure use the same hashtags as everyone else, but make some funny ones, make some special ones. That way you're not just whoring yourself out the same exact way as everyone else, and again people get a look into your humor and personality. And again--try not to use all the typical hashtags in excess, I've seen people with literally 20 of the basic hashtags; please don't try so hard, you shouldn't need to.
A Final Word to This Madness
(No more pretenders!)
Individuality. Do you, be great, be amazing, be an internet sensation if you choose! There are so many ways to get your name out there in the world these days, and we tend to hinder ourselves with all the drama, disbelief in ourselves, and crap that people feed us. Great people with amazing opportunities do exist, and they will come out of the woodwork of cyber space if you can show how special you truly are. Great Social Networking Etiquette highly helpful in this regard--don't follow trends, become one.
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